SHAKTI BECKONS THE GODDESS…
Surrender, Even to That 
By Julie K. Halevan
I grounded my solar plexus into that Amazon beach, clenching my fists into the sand. I laid there for hours in a sweated agony wishing it were over and angry with myself for taking part in the “ceremony”. If only I had let go, what a different experience I might have had.
Back in 2007, I journeyed to Peru to work with a shaman and a spiritual group. One of the ‘initiations’ we engaged in was partaking in an ayahuasca ceremony to purge negative energy, emotions and discordances within – to experience an awakening. Ayahuasca is a traditional brew, a spiritual root medicine, used in ceremonies among shamans and indigenous peoples of the Amazon. We drank our fill of this medicinal cocktail from a cup, and then the journey began.
I was sweating profusely, releasing toxins. The nausea began, followed by bouts of uncontrolled diarrhea. I also experienced psychedelic effects; I heard strange voices and saw swirling colors and shapes. Trying to get out of the situation, I transported myself, energetically, back home with my boys. Simultaneously, I was also lucidly aware that I was furious with myself. I kept repeating, “Why on earth would I choose to participate in this?” It felt like hell on earth, as many in the group were having volatile reactions. I wanted to get up and come to the aid of others. However, I was no good to anyone. It was impossible for me to move. The rest of that night, I remained sick, even as it wore off, while my newfound friend and I shared a hut in the amazon, with no electricity or good plumbing. There was no being modest. It was the most vulnerable situation I had ever been in with another human being. I realized in hindsight, that that night was a big lesson for me, in surrendering. I would have had a better experience had I let go. My ego was trying earnestly, even in the midst of what was happening, to be in control. For those who truly allowed the experience and allowed themselves to purge, they reported having spiritual revelations, awakenings, and re-births. Some gained access to higher spiritual dimensions and realities beyond our finite minds.
I was wanting, so badly, to “un-do” the experience…to fix it. I’m not saying that I would necessarily partake in this again. However, I did realize this lesson afterwards: True surrender is allowing. And, not all has to be “perfect”. Everything is already okay the way it is, in that it’s all here to show me something – an aspect of life experiencing itself through me. So let it all be and do what it needs to. Let go, and stop all the resistances.
